Trauma bonding: why it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment to a person who is abusing you. It grows from two things researchers have identified: a power imbalance, and intermittent treatment in which cruelty alternates with kindness, apology or affection. The good moments feel like relief and keep hope alive, so the bond can strengthen even as the abuse continues. Trauma bonding is a description, not a medical diagnosis. It helps explain why people stay — alongside very practical reasons such as money, children, housing and family honour. In Punjab, women facing violence can call 1043 at any hour; in immediate danger call 15 or 1122.
Health writers · Aslam Clinic
A is a strong emotional tie to someone who is hurting you. It forms when abuse alternates with warmth — a beating or days of cold contempt, followed by tears, gifts, apologies and promises — inside a relationship where one person holds much more power. The relief of the good moments is so intense that the bond can grow stronger even as the harm continues.
Understanding this does not make the abuse acceptable, and it is not a diagnosis. What it does is explain something that confuses families and shames victims: why an intelligent, capable person keeps going back, defends the person hurting them, or feels love and fear for the same person at once.
Where the idea comes from
Canadian psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter described “traumatic bonding” in the early 1980s, comparing abused women's attachment to their partners with the bonds seen in hostage situations and some abusive parent–child relationships. In a 1993 study of 75 women who had recently left abusive partners, the two features they had predicted — intermittent abuse and a power imbalance — were strongly linked to how attached the women still felt, months later.
Later research, much of it with survivors of trafficking, adds two more ingredients: gratitude for any kindness, and self-blame for the abuse — the victim gradually taking on the abuser's view of them.
Why the cycle is so binding
- Unpredictable reward. When kindness comes only sometimes, people keep hoping and trying harder for it. Behavioural research has long shown that unpredictable rewards make habits hardest to break.
- Relief feels like love. After fear, the return of affection brings enormous relief, which the mind can read as closeness.
- Power imbalance. The more one person controls — money, the home, the children, contact with family — the more the other depends on staying on their good side.
- Holding two truths. It is painful to believe both “he loves me” and “he hurts me”. Minimising the abuse or blaming yourself reduces that .
- Worn-down confidence. Repeated criticism and make it harder to trust your own judgement, or to imagine coping alone.
Signs of emotional abuse and coercive control
Trauma bonds form around abuse, and abuse is not only physical. The WHO counts psychological abuse and controlling behaviour as forms of intimate partner violence. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour, over time, that takes away someone's freedom and leaves them afraid.
| Area | Examples |
|---|---|
| Isolation | Stopping visits to your parents, checking who you talk to, turning relatives against you |
| Money | Taking your salary or dowry, giving no household money, stopping you from working or studying |
| Monitoring | Checking your phone, tracking your location, demanding passwords |
| Humiliation | Insults in front of others, constant criticism of your looks, cooking or family |
| Threats | Threatening divorce, taking the children, harming you, your family or themselves |
| Denying needs | Stopping you from seeing a doctor or taking medicines, restricting food or sleep |
| Physical or sexual violence | Hitting, pushing, choking, forcing sex — including within marriage |
Signs that a trauma bond has formed
- You defend or excuse the person to others, even after serious harm
- You feel intense longing for them, or guilt, when you are apart
- You keep believing the next apology will be the real change
- You blame yourself — “if I hadn't said that, he wouldn't have got angry”
- You hide what is happening from people who care about you
- You feel you cannot survive without them, even while afraid of them
Why people stay
Emotional bonds are only part of the answer. In Pakistan the practical and social pressures are often heavier, and they deserve respect rather than impatience.
- Money and housing. Many women have no income of their own and nowhere to go; parents may not be able to take them back.
- Children. Fear of losing custody, of children growing up without a father, or of the stigma children may face.
- Family honour and “log kya kahenge”. Divorce or khula may be seen as shame on the whole family. A woman may be told to be patient, that “every house has problems”, or that her home is now her husband's home.
- Pressure to reconcile. Elders and relatives may push for compromise without seeing, or wanting to see, how serious things are.
- Fear. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, and the victim often knows this.
- Hope and faith. Many people sincerely hope patience and prayer will change the other person. Faith can be a source of strength, and it is not a duty to accept harm.
Men can be abused too, and face their own shame about saying so. The same principles of safety and support apply.
Safety planning
Whether you stay for now, are thinking of leaving, or have left, planning for safety is worth doing. Leaving is a process, not a single moment, and you know your situation best.
- Know your numbers. Memorise 15, 1122 and 1043, and one trusted person's number, in case your phone is taken.
- Agree a signal. A code word or message that tells a trusted person to call for help or come.
- Keep copies of documents — CNIC, nikahnama, children's B-forms, medical records and bank details — somewhere safe outside the house, with someone you trust or photographed on a phone the other person cannot access.
- Keep a small emergency bag with medicines, some cash and essentials, if it is safe to do so.
- Know where you would go — a relative, friend, or other safe place — and how you would get there.
- Record injuries and incidents. Seeing a doctor after an injury creates a medical record, and a doctor can treat injuries you may not realise are serious.
- Be careful with devices. Phones and shared accounts can be monitored. Use a phone the other person cannot check when seeking help.
For advice on protection, shelter and your legal options, speak to the Women's Helpline 1043. This page cannot give legal advice.
Getting support
Breaking a trauma bond usually takes time and more than one attempt. Returning is common and is not failure. can help rebuild confidence and make sense of what happened; many survivors develop anxiety, depression or , which are treatable. The Rozan Counseling Helpline offers free, confidential emotional support, including for violence against women, on 0800-22-444 or 0304-111-1741 (Monday–Friday, 9:30 am–5:00 pm). Psychiatry departments in teaching and DHQ hospitals can help with depression, anxiety or thoughts of self-harm.
After leaving
Many people are surprised that leaving does not end the bond straight away. Missing the person, remembering only the good times, and feeling tempted to reply to messages are common, and they do not mean the decision was wrong. It helps to limit contact as much as your situation allows, keep a written list of the reasons you left, and fill the gap with people and routines that steady you. Nightmares, jumpiness and are common after abuse and usually ease with time, safety and support; if they persist, trauma-focused therapy works.
How family and friends can help
Common questions
Still not sure what to do?
Reading about a symptom only goes so far. A doctor who can ask you questions and examine you will get further in ten minutes than any article can.
